Life as a dog can be pretty ruff. Luckily our insightful rescue president, Betty, has seen it all, and is here to provide your dogs with all of the wisdom and advice that they need. Does your dog have a question for Betty? Ask here. 

Dear Betty,

When I was first adopted my human led me to believe that my name was Molly, however, as time has worn on, she has started calling me a number of different names: Schmolly, Mollaloo, Wallaboo, Moomoo, and, most confusingly, Schmollawallawoo. To be frank, it is getting rather difficult to keep track of all of these names. It is not unusual for entire days to pass without my real name being used at all. Now that I think of it, I am not even entirely sure that Molly still is my real name. How can I get my human to stick to one name?

Sincerely,
Identity Crisis

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Dear Identity Crisis,

Unfortunately what you are experiencing is a phenomenon not at all uncommon amongst humans. You see, the memory of a human is far less advanced than that of you or I. As our humans get older, it becomes more difficult for them to remember our names. To try to hide this they will often make up words that, in some way, resemble our names. These made-up words generally begin with the same letter, or contain a similar sound, but not always. Luckily, there are strategies that you can use to help your human trigger this memory. Interestingly enough, the most effective memory trigger is anger. I recommend either ripping up one of your human’s favourite books, or jumping onto her bed when your paws are muddy. While your human may seem mad at first, she will be grateful that you have helped her remember your name. Otherwise, keep in mind that your human is most likely embarrassed about her poor memory, and that responding to these made-up names will make her feel better.

Good luck!

Dear Betty,

I love the staff at Dog Tales, don't get me wrong, however lately I feel as though they do not have my best interests at heart. When the weather began to cool down they bought me an incredibly ugly red hoodie, and they now insist that I wear this hideous monstrosity every time we leave the kennel. This is extremely damaging to my reputation amongst the other rescue dogs, and I worry that it may ruin my chances of being adopted, because potential paw-rents will not take me seriously. To add insult to injury, they continue to post photos of me in this horrific get-up online for the world to see. What can I do to make this stop?

Sincerely,
Fashion Crime a.k.a Coqui

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Dear Coqui,

Unfortunately you are not the first dog to fall victim to the Dog Tales staff and their questionable sense of style. The bad news is that there is very little you can do to make them realize that this is not a "cute" look for a dog with more refined tastes such as yourself.  And so, what you, like many dogs before you, must do is quite simple: you must wait until they remove this heinous sweater from your body, steal it, and hide it somewhere where they will never find it. If you cannot find such a hiding place, the second best option is to pee on it. Hope this helps! 

Dear Betty,

It is a dangerous world out there, and, though my humans assure me that we live in a “safe” neighbourhood, I know all too well that evil can strike anywhere, at any time. As the head of our household, I see it as my duty to ensure that my family is always protected. There is a large window at the front of our home that provides an excellent vantage point for me to keep watch for potential evil-dooers. Whenever I spot one on the street I make sure to bark as loudly as I can in order to warn these suspicious strangers that ours is not a house to be messed with. My humans have asked me to stop doing this, but they do not seem to understand that, from a security standpoint, it is important for me to frighten these strangers away before they attempt to enter our home since I am a dog of rather small proportions and would likely be no match for even the scrawniest of humans in a physical fight. Recently, in a further attempt to jeopardize the security of our home, my humans have blocked my access to this window with a large table. How can I keep my family safe when I cannot see the danger coming? 

Desperately,
Watch Dog

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Dear Watch Dog,

Let me start off by commending you on your brave choice to appoint yourself protector of your family. This is a very important and dangerous job, and it is not to be taken lightly. It is disappointing to hear that your humans do not appreciate the enormity of what you are doing for them. To answer your question, you are right — evil can strike anywhere, and at any time. If you can no longer watch for this evil from your window, you have no choice but to bark continuously from behind the front door. Remember, if you stop barking for even a minute, this could very well be the minute that a burglar/murderer/cat-lover decides to strike. Hopefully your humans will soon see how exhausting this is for you and allow you to return to your post at the window.

Stay strong!

Dear Betty,

Over the years I have made it known that a large white porcelain bowl located on the main floor of  my home is my beverage dispenser of choice, however on several occasions I have caught my human urinating in this bowl. I find it very rude, and unhygienic. How can I get him to stop?

Sincerely,
Grossed Out

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Dear Grossed Out,

Your human is being very rude indeed! My only advice is to let him know how you feel by peeing in the place where he usually drinks — the kitchen. You can make your point especially clear by timing this to happen every time you catch him using your drinking bowl. Eventually he will get the message. 

 Does your dog have a question for Betty? Ask here!